Today I am speaking on behalf of weary homesellers everywhere, particularly those of us who work from home, stay at home by choice, and/or have young children and pets in the home.  This is intended for home buyers and their real estate agents:

Yes I have my home on the market.  Yes, I wish like hell you would come inside and love it and make an offer on the spot.  Yes, I understand that in order to sell my home it must appeal to as wide a demographic as possible, and must meet at least the minimum standard of cleanliness.  I do watch HGTV (although, I must ask, is my choice of bedding really going to be a dealbreaker?).  I have even gone as far as buying cd’s of music I personally hate, just so I can provide “ambiance” for those of you entering my home.  HOWEVER, as I have taken great care to make my home as lovely and inviting as possible, I must ask in turn that you provide some courtesy as well.

Do NOT call my house and leave a MESSAGE saying that you are coming in an hour, and assume that I got that message after having left my house with my bras air-drying on the chair in my bedroom.  That is why I gave you people 2 other phone numbers to call.  I also have 2 dogs.  One is very large and territorial.  I will not be held responsible if you come inside unannounced and he eats you.

Do NOT call my house at 9:47 am and tell me someone wants to show my house at 10:00 am.  Yes, I want my house shown.  However, it is summer vacation.  I do not achieve caffeinated functionality until at least 10.  I am single parenting.  Even with my older child’s help (and by “help”, I am lucky if it’s done without eye-rolling, huffing attitude, and then it’s still half-assed), I canNOT make the beds, vacuum the floors, wipe the toothpaste out of the sink, windex the dog slobber off the windows, put the dirty dishes back in the cabinets because the dishwasher is full and clean, shove the toys under the beds, swiffer the dog hair off the hardwoods, and hustle the dogs and kids out the door in 13 FRICKIN MINUTES.

It takes at LEAST that long just to finish screaming at the kids to “Get dressed!”  “Pick up your damn toys!”  “Turn off the tv and close the cabinets”  “NO you may not have cookies and milk right now!”  “STOP touching the window glass I just cleaned!”  “Who spit all over the bathroom mirror??!”  “GET OUTSIDE and don’t touch anything!!”

Especially do NOT call my house from the driveway and ask if it would be okay to come inside.  Dammit people, we LIVE here.  With kids.  And dogs.  Do you honestly think we are sitting around in our space suits, on our plastic covered furniture, not moving, or eating potato chips straight from the bag in front of the tv?  Sure! come on in!  Just be sure to leave your shoes ON, so you can help grind in those chip crumbs.  They’ll be less noticeable that way.  Oh, and just ignore the lovely lingering smell of cooked bacon.   Do you want some while you’re here?  Just help yourself–it’s still in the pan on the stove.  Maybe when you step outside to check out the deck you could let my dogs back in to lick up the orange juice that someone still didn’t clean off the kitchen floor.  Oh and would you mind handing me a towel…I forgot to grab one when I stepped in the shower a minute ago.