See?  Don\'t you want to live here?

I’m currently sitting here torturing myself with HGTV’s “House Hunters”. 

Suzanne Wang (or is it Wong?  either way, sounds dirty):  “Will the Smithons choose House #1, listed for 1.3 million, featuring 5,000 square feet, overlooking a golf course, blah blah flickity blah?  Or will they pick house #2, listed for ONLY 1.1 million but the smallestof the homes at just 3800 minusculesquare feet with a mere 4 bedrooms?  OR  will they decide on home #3, the largest at a space-wasting, housekeeper-requiring, piggish 8,000 square feet and listed for 1.6 million?….”

ME:  “Fuckoff”

I’d be happy just to know what STATE  I’m going to live come September. (Aside from the state of insanity that is.)

 I have a teensy obsession with HGTV, and it’s pretty much the only channel I tune to when I have 5 minutes to watch the tube. I like to torment myself watching people choose which million dollar home to purchase.  “Oh Love, it’s such a burden to decide if we should live in the giant house here or the giant-er house over there.”  To have such problems.

But because I have my house on the (shitty-ass) market, I depend on the shows of HGTVto provide me guidance and inspiration so I may know how to “appeal to all potential buyers”.  Plus, I love interior design, and well, I like to make fun of other people’s stuff.  The before and afters of shows like “Get it Sold” and “Sell This House” usually make me feel better about what I’ve got going on over here.  At least I don’t have to come up with creative ways to disguise avocado green appliances.

However, as yet another month goes by with nary an offer for my home, these shows are really just giving me agida.  I’ve already busted my budget doing the bare minimum of home staging, but every time I see another episode of “Get It Sold”, I feel like maybe if I just [insert expensive decorating idea here] I would get an offer.  I start wondering if maybe it’s the paint color, or the lack of an area rug in the Living Room, or perhaps my curb appeal is not so appealing because I, well, I don’t know.  It must be something that the Divas of HGTV could fix!  What is the magic bullet?  Where is the one buyer who won’t need or want anything more than what my home will provide  (3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, hardwood floors, large bonus room upstairs with views of Lake Norman, a big deck and wooded yard on a cul-de-sac in a very desirable subdivision.  Know anyone??)

I have to believe that my throw pillow choice is not going to make or break an offer.  I’ve done all I can, short of bringing in a Navajo Medicine Man to do a smoke ceremony, and now I just sit.  Waiting.  And wishing for my own “before” and “after”, where “after” = moving out and moving on.  If only it were as easy as they make it look on HGTV.