Today I am officially a landlord.   My tenents moved in this afternoon, and while I am grateful for the income, I am very uncomfortable with this new “title”.  Plus, they are officially assholes.  Anal-retentive, unrealistic, stinky butt-plug assholes. (sorry mother-in-law…I should have had you avert your eyes for this one.)

So my property manager calls me to tell me they moved in and were disappointed to find the yard covered with leaves and the floors less than pristine.   Hmmm.  We moved out in August.  Yard service ended at first frost.  Leaves fell.  We were given 10 DAYS NOTICE that we had tenents moving in to our fully-furnished home.  We had to make child care arrangements, new job time-off arrangement, and drive 10 HOURS to get down there and pack our whole house in 3 days time.  Let me ask you:  if people were moving into your house, would you spend your time raking the yard or moving your furnishings out?  Now let’s throw in a little rain and lots of people coming and going in the house.  Will the floors stay as pretty as they were in October when the A.T.’s (asshole tenents) first saw the house?  If you answered HELL NO, you are a winner.

Dammit people, you’re lucky I remembered to wipe my hair out of the shower drain.  Sorry I didn’t have time to scrub the floors and steam-clean the carpets that you were about to trample all over anyway.  I did however sweep and swiffer-mop, and vacuum.  What the hell more do you want?  People lived there for 8 YEARS before you showed up.  There’s bound to be a bit of residue!

I also left the A.T.’s a sweet “welcome to your new home” letter, as well as a fridge full of bottled water and Pepsi’s.  I left my cleaning supplies.  I left my leather couch for their uptight asses.  And they bitch about the floors.  They actually asked for someone to come mop them.  …’scuse me???  Oh okay.  Yeah, I’ll just hop in my car and drive 600 miles to MOP.  Better yet, I’ll pay someone a minimum of 60 bucks (min. maid service fee in my area) to MOP.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  I had 72 hours to pack up and move a 4 bedroom house.  It’s a wonder the house wasn’t in a shambles!  There may have been some dustballs and a few footprints.  See that nice Michael Graves Target mop I left you in MY laundry room?  USE IT and get over it.

Yeah, you could call me bitter.        At first I was embarrassed.  Then I felt upset that I had given my tenents anything but a perfect move-in experience.  But now, after thinking about it and stewing for the past 5 hours (hey, I have my period, my hormones take over my brain for the next 3 days. BAD TIMING PEOPLE!), I am just pissed.  I am so queer to have thought that it was more important for these people to like me (hence the stupid “welcome” letter) instead of using that letter-writing time to mop the goddamned floor better.   Landlord-ship, Day One =  FAIL.

Hey A.T.’s, would you prefer this:

Now, excuse me while I go get my drink on.